Pain Prepares for Perfect Purpose

There is no such thing as a support group for perfect people. Can you imagine one? The preamble might go something like this, “The only requirement for membership in Perfect People Anonymous is a desire to stop being perfect.” I imagine such a meeting would be sparsely attended. If they did exist, perfect people certainly would neither want to stop being that way nor need the support of other perfect people. Why would they? They’re perfect!

 

Human beings are not drawn to one another because of their common perfection but by their common suffering. Remember back to the last time you were hurting and honestly consider whether you would prefer to hear from a friend for whom the world was all roses and rainbows or from one who had just been through an ugly patch similar to yours? Let’s face it, the Pollyanna approach rarely works on one who is truly suffering. That’s one of the great things about Jesus: He meets us in our condition, troubled or not. Similarly, it is the experience of our own pain that connects us to our purpose. What caused me pain yesterday makes me passionate today, and it is only in my passion that I am of any use to anyone else who is suffering. God created us to be in community, one with another, and it is pain that constitutes the mortar of that structure. Who can comfort a grieving mother like another? Who can best encourage an alcoholic like one recovering from the same affliction? What unites us is our common brokenness. We are a mosaic of broken pieces, all fitting together just as the Creator fashioned us, each jagged edge fitting precisely in the place where He intended.

 

The desperate cries of all those lonely, angry nights when I shook my fist at God and asked, “Why?” are answered in the faces of those around me who suffer within my arms’ reach. Many are currently experiencing the same pain I have endured and survived. My encouragement may be the only tangible evidence of God’s love to caress them. My testimony may be their only strand of hope. And when I have walked a while alongside a fellow sufferer, I will recognize the hand of God was guiding me even through my darkest valleys, so His purposes could be accomplished. I have experienced pain so I can help others survive it, and point them to the One who holds us all, loves us all, and has a detailed plan to bring us each to completion in Him.

 

Holy Father, today, may I be a dispenser rather than a consumer. May my life produce for You whatever You designed it to. Deliver me from the idol self-worship of worry and regret, and free me to live according to Your purpose, provision, and protection. I offer You my feeble, faulty will, and I accept Your perfect, holy one for my life. Build into me integrity of soul, that I may no longer be divided by distractions and carnal desires, but would consistently act as Your loyal servant-child for Your glory and purpose, never my own. Help me to put my painful past to good use, that it too might have a purpose; and help me to remember those met opportunities when next a trial must come my way so that, rather than protesting in my doubt, I might obediently submit with the joy of knowing You will supply the opportunity to capitalize the experience for Your glory.

 

Scripture References:

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us” (2 Corinthians 1:4, NLT)

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10, NIV)

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” (Hebrews 4:15, NIV)

“…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6, NIV)

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4, NIV)

Saturday, 2013-07-27

Abstinent Today:

I am a gratefully recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time.  †

 

 

From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:

“We admitted we were powerless over food—that our lives had become unmanageable.” — Step One

Step One, practiced in all my affairs, brought me an even greater revelation than I could have ever expected walking into an eating recovery group: that I am not all-powerful.  Surprising – I know, but true.  I am powerless over a great many things, and I am glad of it.  I never really realized I was trying to be all-powerful, but when I analyzed my frustrations, my resentments and my fears, I found I was even trying to be all-seeing, all-knowing, and even all-controlling.  I discovered what happens when a grain of sand decides he is in charge of the whole beach and ocean: he gets frustrated with every wave and wind!  Accepting that I am a grain and not the keeper of even one beach, let alone its vast expanses and global cousins, freed me to take my happy place among a googol of other grains of sand, each one doing its part to form a beautiful landscape and border a mighty ocean, just as the true Almighty God designed.

 

 

 

From Proverbs 27, NIV:

¹⁹ As water reflects the face,
so one’s life reflects the heart.^[a]

The new NIV has a footnote on this verse I don’t remember reading before: “Or so others reflect your heart back to you”.  I imagine most people wonder how they will be remembered.  Many spend their lives spinning their wheels trying to cultivate a legacy.  I don’t know how I am perceived.  I have one friend who only knows me from before recovery, who was fond of pointing out that I was a “condescending bastard.”  He still calls me that every time he sees me regardless of what amends I make to him.  We really don’t spend much time together.  Recently, I was asked by another friend to marry him to his fiancé.  He was shocked to find that I am not an ordained minister.  “I just always assumed you were!” he protested, even though he knows me from work and is well acquainted with my professional identity.  Being known from such wildly opposing viewpoints may give insight into why integrity is such an important goal for me.  I want my life to reflect the same heart and purpose all the time, no matter what my circumstance or audience.  Everyone should know that I am first and foremost God’s son, purchased and saved by grace for His glory.

God, make my life reflect You.  By Your Spirit empower me to be gracious, loving, forgiving, a servant of all.  Keep me from snatching back control or wishing for my will.

 

 

 

From my reading through the Bible, currently in Hebrews 5, NIV:

⁸ Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered ⁹ and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him

Since Christ the Son suffered to learn obedience, who am I that I should have everything my way and be always at ease?  When did I develop this warped sense that life was supposed to flow my way?  The truth is it is easy to obey when the instruction is concurrent with the circumstances.  It’s when the world as we know it goes lopsided that obedience becomes difficult, and it is then that our priorities are tested.  What really is our god?  Is it the Creator or our selves?  We make that declaration with every decision, every action we make.

God, today, I choose to honor You as God. Help me to remain consistent with that choice all day long, serving those You put in my path to serve and harming none of Your children along the way.

 

From The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, “Step Twelve”:

We who began working the steps in order to recover from compulsive eating now find that through them we have embarked on a lifelong journey of spiritual growth. From the isolation of food obsession we have emerged into a new world. Walking hand in hand with our friends and our Higher Power, we are now exploring this world, using the great spiritual principles embodied in the twelve steps as the map to guide our way.

 

 

Footnotes:

*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.

† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.

Motivational Pain is Good; Absence of Harm is Perfection

Abstinent Today:

I am a recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time.  †

I have a hearing problem, and it makes communication difficult.  Last night, my daughter, #2 on my Step Eight list, tried to tell me something and, although I heard her plainly, I did not understand what she was trying to say.  I asked for clarification in great detail, even parroting back to her the word which was unclear to me, giving paraphrased alternatives for what she might have meant, asking which one applied.  She kept repeating the same phrase containing the same word to explain herself over and over, louder each time, as though I were both deaf and ridiculously stupid.  I thought of Einstein’s definition of insanity, as she kept using the unclear word to define itself over and over, each time expecting that I would finally understand.  I turned to my wife and asked her to translate if she could, and explained that I was not capable of comprehending.  My daughter interrupted to say the same word and phrase again, and I did it, I harmed her yet again!  I snapped at her in a state of  frustrated arousal that could only be described by an onlooker as anger, as I got the interpretation I needed from my wife, #1 on my Step Eight list, who I realized by putting her in the middle I had also harmed again.

I am admitting this in writing as it is occurring to me.  When I went to bed, I was still under the impression that I was the only one who had been wronged.  (Pouting is such a self-pitiful way to sleep!)  The horror of this incident is that it occurred while my daughter was attempting to arrange a date out together with me and my wife.  I feel like I have beaten a puppy for not coming when called.  Now what will it take to get her to return?  I have precious little time to find out!

 

 

From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:

“The purpose of Step Ten is to identify and remove from our path today’s stumbling blocks…” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 84

The contributor to today’s entry referenced a slogan I haven’t heard in a while, “Share it; don’t wear it!”  What causes me fear and anger will make me spiritually sick unless I deal with it.  That is why I journal, why I publish a blog, why I email or call my sponsor and fellows in program.  The more transparent I am, the less likely I am to develop a cancerous resentment without someone spotting it right away.  One of my nightly prayers to help me with this is from Psalm 129:23-24:

“²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”

 

 

From Proverbs 1 from the New Living Translation:

“²³ Come and listen to my counsel.
I’ll share my heart with you
and make you wise.”

This is part of Wisdom’s cry, or “shout” in the NLT, and it struck me that She (Wisdom) is willing to share her heart with me.  I want a share of the heart of Wisdom, the Spirit of Truth.

Immanuel Invisible, make Your home in me!

 

 

From my reading through the Bible, currently in Lamentations 1:

This book is Jeremiah’s poetic writings of mourning, wailing, or lament over the devastation of Jerusalem and the nations of Israel and Judah.  Have you ever sat and fretted, Why or  How?  In the ancient Hebrew, “How?” is the name of the book (Hebrew: אֵיכָה‎‎, Eikhah, ʾēkhā(h)).  It is the first word of the first poem of the book, which is an acrostic poem, sort of like, A is for the Appalling things done to Jerusalem, etcetera.

(SHORT BREAK)  I just heard my daughter is up, so I immediately went to mend the damage done last night.  She said it was alright, but kept walking away until I caught up with her and she reluctantly gave me a hug, adamantly insisting it was alright.  It didn’t feel all right. Though healing may come, wounds bear scars.  It is better not to wound than to perfectly heal.

I especially related to the following verses from my history of rebellion, self-service, and the torment that has always followed.  My mind translates “foes” as either my disease, my character defects, or my sinful nature.

“⁵ Her foes have become her masters;
her enemies are at ease.
The Lord has brought her grief
because of her many sins.
Her children have gone into exile,
captive before the foe.”

“¹⁴ My sins have been bound into a yoke;
by his hands they were woven together.
They have come upon my neck
and the Lord has sapped my strength.
He has handed me over
to those I cannot withstand.”

“¹⁸ The Lord is righteous,
yet I rebelled against his command.
Listen, all you peoples;
look upon my suffering.
My young men and maidens
have gone into exile.”

“²⁰ See, O Lord, how distressed I am!
I am in torment within,
and in my heart I am disturbed,
for I have been most rebellious.
Outside, the sword bereaves;
inside, there is only death.”

Sin has a devastating effect, whether it is idolatry that brings about the corruption of a holy city, compulsive overeating that corrupts an individual inside and out, or any other selfish whim I may be compelled to indulge, that defiles my soul – itself a temple of the Holy Spirit.  It separates me from God, my strength, leaves me darkened from the absence of the Light of Life.  But hopelessness is a hunger for the Truth that brings joy.  God would not be a holy Father if He allowed my indulgences to go uncorrected.  His intent has always been to draw me back, so the hunger has its purpose.  The yoke of my sins is a heavy burden so I would inevitably have to put it down.

I thank God for the pain He allowed me to suffer that makes me so grateful to be free of it now!  I am even grateful for the remembrance of that pain, and the twinges of emotion that still accompany it, for they are the stuff of passion, that pushes me to lovingly serve others when I see them engulfed in the same pain.

God, help me to live out the answer to my questions, “Why me?”  Help me be the answer for others who are calling out for Your help.  Make my pain become passion, and my compassion become Your hands and feet on earth.

 

 

From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 77:

“Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.”

 

† _{(For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.)}

When the Integer is Greater Than One, Surrender is Less Complicated

Today:

I am a recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more day at a time.  For details, check out my food journal.

 

I started my day a hurried, angry mess.  I even wrote so in my paper journal when I didn’t have time to do my typical reading, meditation and writing.  Under it, I wrote this prayer: “God, rescue me from the bondage of self.  It has me in its dungeon and is severely beating me.  Hosanna!  Deliver me now!”  Then I got to church late, so I must have missed the part when the preacher addressed his sermon to me specifically, but the whole context of it seemed to be pointed at my soul and spirit.  The Scripture reference was James 1:2-18, and the delivery was a mathematical-style “Solution for the Joy Problem.”

 

To sum it up, every positive thing comes from the invariable Father, the Word of Truth; and our every selfish desire yields sin, the product of which is death and the negating of God’s blessing.  As heat, pressure and time combine to complete gemstones, the faith of a true disciple is perfected when endurance is added to suffering, yielding character plus hope with a byproduct of fulfilled satisfaction.  (See Romans 5:3-5.)  So, keeping in mind that disappointment weakens resistance, the successful conversion of trials into opportunities to demonstrate God’s omnipotence builds endurance which, in turn, produces faith in quantity to overcome temptation, ultimately resulting in joy!  The key factor is total surrender regardless of the circumstances – the unconditional lordship of Jesus Christ.  Elementary!

 

 

 

From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:

“Many of us find that the unconditional acceptance and trust that springs from the practice of anonymity opens us to one another in ways we have never experienced before.” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 202

 

Since an addict is really a person programmed with a maladaptive mechanism to cope with resentments and fears, it makes sense that security would have to be a main component in any successful healing environment.  Under the confidential cloak of anonymity a hurting soul can reveal deeper wounds than one concerned about his reputation or identity being marred by the association with those secrets.  Once the underlying issues are exposed and addressed, personal anonymity may cease to be as great a need for the recovering addict, but remains critically important to those still suffering who are, after all, our primary purpose.  The survival of the fellowship and of those it serves depends on maintenance of this key concept: anonymity.

 

 

From Proverbs 22:

“¹ A good name is more desirable than great riches;
to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.”

 

Godly wisdom acknowledges the value of a good reputation, of fellowship, of being loved and accepted.  Most of us carry histories marred by poor choices either of our own or of others close to us.  Like the proverbial* camel through the ‘eye of the needle,’ the anonymity of a recovery meeting room strips those within it of family connections, professional affiliations, economic status, and social standing.  The only thing that matters is who one is at that very moment, what experience, strength and hope one has to share or may need to borrow during that single hour.  It is one of the few safe and accepting places I know to mix with strangers and somehow know enough about them to trust and love them, and to be trusted and loved.  The other is a Christ-centered church.

 

 

 

From my reading through the Bible, currently in Psalm 40 and 41:

“¹¹ Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.”

 

This song of David represents an awakening.  So many go through life hiding from their disappointments, partly because they are so grievous, and partly because they recognize they are the vilest perpetrators of these failures.  Those of us who are rigorously honest will admit that it is our own character defects that offend us most, and not those of others.  Shoving that burden of guilt under a pile of ice cream or alcohol or heroin will only work for a little while.  Sooner or later, they will outnumber the concealer, overtaking their victim so I cannot see, causing my very heart to break.  It is at that breaking point that what I believe becomes faith, when I meet the occasion with the action of reaching out my hand for His and saying, “I can’t, God.  You can.  Please help me!  Only Your mercy can cover my wrongdoing.”

 

Psalm 41 is a short song of David, but it contains three things that screamed for my attention.  Verse 9 contains a prophecy of Jesus Christ and a reference to Judas Iscariot, and I love Old Testament proofs of the Gospel that would be fulfilled hundreds of years later. “⁹ Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.”  The other two whammies were two of my recent key words appearing in the same chapter: regard and integrity.  I have decided that “integrity” – oneness, singleness, unity of purpose, direction and power – would be my goal for 2012 and beyond.  “Regard” has been the hinge on which that integrity swings.  When I have felt dis-regard-ed, I know that self has taken center stage, and I have become duplicitous, intending to serve God but edging Him out of His own spotlight for the sake of my sinful pride.  When I do what I know to do regard-less of what I feel, and regard-ing others above myself, I am closer to fulfilling my intended purpose.  The blessing of the Creator comes when the creation follows the design and carries out its function.

 

“¹ Blessed is he who has regard for the weak;
the LORD delivers him in times of trouble. “

 

“¹² In my integrity you uphold me
and set me in your presence forever.”

 

 

 

From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 103:

“After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!”

 

 

OD@aT:

“Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.”  3 John 2

In Harmony with Inspired Design

Today:

I am abstinent by the grace of God, one more day at a time.  For details, check out my food journal.

 

I recognized, after publishing my last couple posts, that I have confused the date and some chapter numbers.  I will get on the right page and try to keep focused.  As I write this, I have just begun my day by spilling almost a quart of coffee onto a hospital waiting room carpet, and have thereby made myself more of a harm than a help, but the mission of my visit is helpful.  I guess mistakes and accidents keep me humble, so I will accept them and move on.

 

 

From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:

“God is the source of my abstinence and the source of my repose from the trials and tribulations of life on earth.”

 

God is the source of my lungs and the air that fills them.  He is the designer and constructor of the neural network that allows me to sense pain, and He is the source of all my joy.  Everything I have comes from Him, and recognizing this makes living according to His will less of a chore and more of a fulfilling completion of that design. 

 

Living according to my will, my disappointments are driven by the push and pull of what I feel and what I deserve, and satisfaction perpetually eludes me.  Living for what I want keeps me from enjoying anything I have or might obtain.  In giving up my will, I find myself freed to live and love and experience all of God’s treasures, including abstinence and serenity.

 

 

Since I skipped ahead yesterday, today I read Proverbs Chapter 2:

“⁶ For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”

 

I often celebrate the creation of Adam in my mind.  As Genesis 2:7 tells it, “the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.”   These passages blend for me into a progressive awakening of man, like a resuscitation, first from dust to life, then from dull to understanding.  It is God who breathed the life into the clay, and it is God who breathes Life into the spirit.

 

 

From my reading through the Bible, currently in Psalm 5, 6, 7, and 8:

I well remember many occasions when the “how long?” sentiment of Psalm 6 and much around it helped me to know that I was not unique in my suffering.  Few suffered like David, and he was both skilled and spiritually tuned to express his pain, joy, and loving relationship with God in a way that has strummed the heartstrings of many since.  Psalms are prayerful songs or, from an alternate perspective, musical prayers.  Psalm 7:9 summarizes the plea of these few chapters nicely, “O righteous God, who searches minds and hearts, bring to an end the violence of the wicked and make the righteous secure.”

 

Psalm 8 is a beautiful registry of David’s humility relative to God’s supremacy.  He acknowledges that man is properly positioned a little lower than the angels and in authority over the animals of the earth.  Verses 1 and 9 repeat the exclamation, “O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!”

 

From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, “A Vision For You” page 161:

“They had seen miracles, and one was to come to them. They had visioned the Great Reality—their loving and All Powerful Creator.”

 

 

OD@aT:

“Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.”  3 John 2