Abstinent Today:

I am a recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time.  †

I have a hearing problem, and it makes communication difficult.  Last night, my daughter, #2 on my Step Eight list, tried to tell me something and, although I heard her plainly, I did not understand what she was trying to say.  I asked for clarification in great detail, even parroting back to her the word which was unclear to me, giving paraphrased alternatives for what she might have meant, asking which one applied.  She kept repeating the same phrase containing the same word to explain herself over and over, louder each time, as though I were both deaf and ridiculously stupid.  I thought of Einstein’s definition of insanity, as she kept using the unclear word to define itself over and over, each time expecting that I would finally understand.  I turned to my wife and asked her to translate if she could, and explained that I was not capable of comprehending.  My daughter interrupted to say the same word and phrase again, and I did it, I harmed her yet again!  I snapped at her in a state of  frustrated arousal that could only be described by an onlooker as anger, as I got the interpretation I needed from my wife, #1 on my Step Eight list, who I realized by putting her in the middle I had also harmed again.

I am admitting this in writing as it is occurring to me.  When I went to bed, I was still under the impression that I was the only one who had been wronged.  (Pouting is such a self-pitiful way to sleep!)  The horror of this incident is that it occurred while my daughter was attempting to arrange a date out together with me and my wife.  I feel like I have beaten a puppy for not coming when called.  Now what will it take to get her to return?  I have precious little time to find out!

 

 

From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:

“The purpose of Step Ten is to identify and remove from our path today’s stumbling blocks…” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 84

The contributor to today’s entry referenced a slogan I haven’t heard in a while, “Share it; don’t wear it!”  What causes me fear and anger will make me spiritually sick unless I deal with it.  That is why I journal, why I publish a blog, why I email or call my sponsor and fellows in program.  The more transparent I am, the less likely I am to develop a cancerous resentment without someone spotting it right away.  One of my nightly prayers to help me with this is from Psalm 129:23-24:

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”

 

 

From Proverbs 1 from the New Living Translation:

23 Come and listen to my counsel.
I’ll share my heart with you
and make you wise.”

This is part of Wisdom’s cry, or “shout” in the NLT, and it struck me that She (Wisdom) is willing to share her heart with me.  I want a share of the heart of Wisdom, the Spirit of Truth.

Immanuel Invisible, make Your home in me!

 

 

From my reading through the Bible, currently in Lamentations 1:

This book is Jeremiah’s poetic writings of mourning, wailing, or lament over the devastation of Jerusalem and the nations of Israel and Judah.  Have you ever sat and fretted, Why or  How?  In the ancient Hebrew, “How?” is the name of the book (Hebrew: אֵיכָה‎‎, Eikhah, ʾēkhā(h)).  It is the first word of the first poem of the book, which is an acrostic poem, sort of like, A is for the Appalling things done to Jerusalem, etcetera.

(SHORT BREAK)  I just heard my daughter is up, so I immediately went to mend the damage done last night.  She said it was alright, but kept walking away until I caught up with her and she reluctantly gave me a hug, adamantly insisting it was alright.  It didn’t feel all right. Though healing may come, wounds bear scars.  It is better not to wound than to perfectly heal.

I especially related to the following verses from my history of rebellion, self-service, and the torment that has always followed.  My mind translates “foes” as either my disease, my character defects, or my sinful nature.

Her foes have become her masters;
her enemies are at ease.
The Lord has brought her grief
because of her many sins.
Her children have gone into exile,
captive before the foe.”

14 My sins have been bound into a yoke;
by his hands they were woven together.
They have come upon my neck
and the Lord has sapped my strength.
He has handed me over
to those I cannot withstand.”

18 The Lord is righteous,
yet I rebelled against his command.
Listen, all you peoples;
look upon my suffering.
My young men and maidens
have gone into exile.”

20 See, O Lord, how distressed I am!
I am in torment within,
and in my heart I am disturbed,
for I have been most rebellious.
Outside, the sword bereaves;
inside, there is only death.”

Sin has a devastating effect, whether it is idolatry that brings about the corruption of a holy city, compulsive overeating that corrupts an individual inside and out, or any other selfish whim I may be compelled to indulge, that defiles my soul – itself a temple of the Holy Spirit.  It separates me from God, my strength, leaves me darkened from the absence of the Light of Life.  But hopelessness is a hunger for the Truth that brings joy.  God would not be a holy Father if He allowed my indulgences to go uncorrected.  His intent has always been to draw me back, so the hunger has its purpose.  The yoke of my sins is a heavy burden so I would inevitably have to put it down.

I thank God for the pain He allowed me to suffer that makes me so grateful to be free of it now!  I am even grateful for the remembrance of that pain, and the twinges of emotion that still accompany it, for they are the stuff of passion, that pushes me to lovingly serve others when I see them engulfed in the same pain.

God, help me to live out the answer to my questions, “Why me?”  Help me be the answer for others who are calling out for Your help.  Make my pain become passion, and my compassion become Your hands and feet on earth.

 

 

From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 77:

“Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.”

 

(For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.)

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