Latest Entries »

Off plan on purpose

Dear Sponsor,

I am deviating from my plan of eating because I am sick with some sort of stomach bug. I am not at risk of overeating, but I thought you should know that I am eating less than normal. I’ve actually been afraid to eat after spending the night camping on the bathroom floor last night. I have a low-grade fever, but I am much better than I was last night.

It’s been uncomfortable to say the least.

-tl

alabaster jarThe NT in a year reading today contained Ephesians 5: 8, “For once you were darkness, but now in the Lord you are light. Live as children of light”

It caught me that the verse doesn’t say I was “in” darkness, but that I “was” darkness. I am now not merely walking in light, but I “am” that light. The next verse explains it in more detail, that the fruit of light is light. I like it, but I have more meditating to do about that.

Yesterday, I had a thought while at YoGod (a Christ-centered, worshipful, yoga experience). Joye, our facilitator, read about the broken alabaster jar of nard that was poured out onto Jesus at the home of Simon the Leper. The devotional she read pointed out that the jar, an expensive product itself, had to be broken before the precious contents could be spilled out. While that was certainly a picture of what was about to happen to Jesus, the most precious of vessels issuing forth the most precious of anointing, it is also true of me. I more closely associate with the clay pots of Gideon than with any priceless jar, but the fact remains that I must be broken before what is inside, whether actually valuable or just prized by me for a temporary occasion, can be poured out. It is also only then, when I am broken and completely poured out onto Jesus, that I become the blessing to Him I was created to be, and come into the relationship I was built to maintain. I am broken and poured out, so that I can accept, freehanded, what Jesus was broken and poured out. I empty myself of me, and He empties Himself for and to me. I am all I am, and have all I have, for, to and because of Him. I do so love my Jesus! I do so wish to please Him.

Holy Father, make me more like the One to whom I belong – Christ Jesus, Your Son. Thank You for grace. Help me live in it and love with it.

I started today poorly, griping about the sleep I did not get, but You, who make all things new, please help me start again, lovingly sacrificing myself to the world around me rather than trying to claim what parts of it I feel are mine.

Pray, by Sanctus Real

This song captures exactly what is on my heart the last few days.

Pray, by Sanctus Real

Lyrics (courtesy of K-LOVE)

I bow my head to pray, I don’t know what to say
I’m not sure how to fix the things I’m dealing with
I’m in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don’t know how, to let it all pour out

Though I’m silent, my heart is crying
‘Cause I was made to come to You

So I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it’s just to speak Your name
I’m gonna pray

I failed to find the time, but You’ve been calling out
I let the days go by as if I could live without
But it’s gotta be here now, I won’t be pulled away
Cause it’s just You and I, so let the world around us fade

As I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it’s just to speak Your name
I’m gonna pray
I’m gonna pray

Father, I’m in a desperate place
Father, I know You can bear the weight
Father, Take me in Your arms as I speak Your name
I lift my hands and pray
I lift my hands and pray

You know my heart, You know my need
And every single part of me
So even if it’s just to speak Your name
I’m gonna pray
I’m gonna pray

You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
More than words, You want my life
Take it as an offering

Emotional emptiness

IMG_3271.JPGThere is a litmus test for indicating what our primary concern is, and it tattles on me every time I get the hollow feeling in me that I have now. When I am fulfilled it is because I have turned loose of selfish fear and embraced God’s provision and grace. When I am feeling empty, it is because I am clinging to something I either cannot have or am afraid to lose. Fear or faith – those are the only two choices that really matter, and they present themselves at every single crossroad.

Working this current fear all the way through looks like this:

  • I resent (Person X) for intentionally avoiding me.
  • This relates to my personal pride, sex relations, my sense of security, and my fear of rejection and abandonment.
  • How have these emotions displayed themselves in defective character? I have been abrupt, impatient, insensitive, demanding, and generally crappy to live with.
  • What are natural responses to behaviors like the ones I have perpetrated? Repulsion. A person so victimized would be wise to limit interactions with such a hurtful character, and might do well to come up with creative alternatives to spending time with me. This is the very behavior I resented in the first place, and it stings to recognize I promoted it.
  • There is one solution: stop the cycle. The more I react in the natural way, the more of the natural reaction I can expect. This insane cycle requires a supernatural solution. That’s where grace comes in!

Grace reminds me that I have been forgiven a whole lot worse things than just giving somebody a cold shoulder, so I can forgive a chilly breeze when it comes across my cheek, and I can do it without the wounded baby passive aggression that seems to come so naturally to me. It means I should be able to suck it up and be supportive of my wife, who may have something completely not me going on in her life right now and, in her own spiritual sickness, might just need a little quiet reassuring rather than selfish demanding.

Holy Father, today, give me grace to forgive, strength to serve without expecting in return, and faith to believe in a better day.

“The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 68).

.

.

.

.

.

The OCD in me wants to point out that this is my 1000th post, but I don’t feel much like celebrating.

Today,  in the “Evening” portion of today’s entry in Charles Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening, I found something that speaks much better to my approach to food, substance, or behavioral abstinence than I ever could. (Yes, I read ahead today.) The reference is to the vow of the Nazarites to abstain from wine, but it is strangely parallel. The excerpt is included below in its entirety.

“All the days of his separation shall he eat nothing that is made of the vine tree, from the kernels even to the husk.”
Numbers 6:4

Nazarites had taken, among other vows, one which debarred them from the use of wine. In order that they might not violate the obligation, they were forbidden to drink the vinegar of wine or strong liquors, and to make the rule still more clear, they were not to touch the unfermented juice of grapes, nor even to eat the fruit either fresh or dried. In order, altogether, to secure the integrity of the vow, they were not even allowed anything that had to do with the vine; they were, in fact, to avoid the appearance of evil. Surely this is a lesson to the Lord’s separated ones, teaching them to come away from sin in every form, to avoid not merely its grosser shapes, but even its spirit and similitude. Strict walking is much despised in these days, but rest assured, dear reader, it is both the safest and the happiest. He who yields a point or two to the world is in fearful peril; he who eats the grapes of Sodom will soon drink the wine of Gomorrah. A little crevice in the sea-bank in Holland lets in the sea, and the gap speedily swells till a province is drowned. Worldly conformity, in any degree, is a snare to the soul, and makes it more and more liable to presumptuous sins. Moreover, as the Nazarite who drank grape juice could not be quite sure whether it might not have endured a degree of fermentation, and consequently could not be clear in heart that his vow was intact, so the yielding, temporizing Christian cannot wear a conscience void of offence, but must feel that the inward monitor is in doubt of him. Things doubtful we need not doubt about; they are wrong to us. Things tempting we must not dally with, but flee from them with speed. Better be sneered at as a Puritan than be despised as a hypocrite. Careful walking may involve much self-denial, but it has pleasures of its own which are more than a sufficient recompense.

Dear Father, today, empower me to live within the parameters of Your providence, and to tread firmly and confidently in it rather than gingerly on its margins.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 290 other followers