I am prompted to write due to an outburst of rage, my most damaging character defect. My closing thoughts last night after a rather shallow personal inventory were:
And if they don’t like it they can have a big ol’ bowl of ‘bite-me!’ and a swig of ‘suck-it!’ to wash it down!
Fit spiritual condition? I think not. I warn any who have me on a pedestal to get me off it now, ’cause today’s post reveals a whole lot of crazy in one man!
Frustration, on a bed of fear and vain disappointment, set in a condition of shame and regret was my excuse for lashing out at the faulty wall switch in our dining room, its plastic cover plate, and the surrounding bit of drywall this morning as I searched in vain for a missing item. These materials and my hand suffered harm while the dogs cowered in what looked like helpless terror a short distance away. My anger, now bathed in a new bucket of shame and disgust at this atrocious failure, roared at the frightened animals, but struck an inanimate card table which has been gaining my annoyed attention over the past few days. That table represents the amends I have been paying for years, doing most of the household chores to make up for the years of doing next to none. Erected semi-regularly so I can fold and sort laundry, it occasionally remains in an unwelcome position where it gathers clutter. There it stood this morning as a monument in my living room to a new resentment I harbor for all those whose contributions to the household seem smaller than I deserve. Cluttered and smug, it stood in my way. As I searched its leaves for the fruit I was seeking, I found none and overturned it with a kick. More harm done? Likely. Dang it!
When I finally recognized the shape I was in, took a few breaths, and let a thought pierce the cloudy fog that had enveloped me, I found my missing item and went out the door for a run. I saw the sparkles on the water that I normally celebrate as God’s fireworks show just for me, and they were especially bright today, but I could not enjoy them.
In Your blinding glory, Lord, who can stand? Certainly not me!
My music player was set on my “inspirational” playlist and, song after song, I was reminded of the grace that keeps me, and how none of it comes as a result of me toeing any line or paying any price. None of it comes because I am perfect, without defect, or flaw, but because Jesus is, and was willing to die for me – an angry, fat-headed, compulsive, self-serving, lying hoarder of property, food, and self-will. There was nothing about me that made me redeemable; it was all on account of my Redeemer!
My outrageous behavior left marks for which I am responsible, and my fearful and ashamed condition are the result of lazy procrastination, so I have work to go do. Instead of only studying for a test today for which I am underprepared, I now have messes to clean up and a wall to repair.
Holy Father, today, save me from myself! Thank You for the knowledge that I cannot throw myself, even in a tantrum, out of Your loving care.