IMG_3271.JPGThere is a litmus test for indicating what our primary concern is, and it tattles on me every time I get the hollow feeling in me that I have now. When I am fulfilled it is because I have turned loose of selfish fear and embraced God’s provision and grace. When I am feeling empty, it is because I am clinging to something I either cannot have or am afraid to lose. Fear or faith – those are the only two choices that really matter, and they present themselves at every single crossroad.

Working this current fear all the way through looks like this:

  • I resent (Person X) for intentionally avoiding me.
  • This relates to my personal pride, sex relations, my sense of security, and my fear of rejection and abandonment.
  • How have these emotions displayed themselves in defective character? I have been abrupt, impatient, insensitive, demanding, and generally crappy to live with.
  • What are natural responses to behaviors like the ones I have perpetrated? Repulsion. A person so victimized would be wise to limit interactions with such a hurtful character, and might do well to come up with creative alternatives to spending time with me. This is the very behavior I resented in the first place, and it stings to recognize I promoted it.
  • There is one solution: stop the cycle. The more I react in the natural way, the more of the natural reaction I can expect. This insane cycle requires a supernatural solution. That’s where grace comes in!

Grace reminds me that I have been forgiven a whole lot worse things than just giving somebody a cold shoulder, so I can forgive a chilly breeze when it comes across my cheek, and I can do it without the wounded baby passive aggression that seems to come so naturally to me. It means I should be able to suck it up and be supportive of my wife, who may have something completely not me going on in her life right now and, in her own spiritual sickness, might just need a little quiet reassuring rather than selfish demanding.

Holy Father, today, give me grace to forgive, strength to serve without expecting in return, and faith to believe in a better day.

“The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 68).

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The OCD in me wants to point out that this is my 1000th post, but I don’t feel much like celebrating.

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