Abstinent Today:

I am a gratefully recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time.  †

apple tree mosaicMy preacher talked about imperfection today.  He made me very welcome, because I am a recovering frustrated perfectionist.  There are only two kinds of perfectionists: frustrated ones and recovering ones.  The frustrated ones try for perfection and never make it.  They end up miserable all the time.  Most develop depressive disorders because they think they are failures, or anxiety disorders because they are trying to keep all their broken pieces from crumbling.  The recovering ones, on the other hand, recognize perfection was an unrealistic expectation in the first place.  They accept their imperfection, then hand it over to their Higher Power, who can make a beautiful mosaic out of even the worst shattered pieces.  I was a frustrated perfectionist; now I am a liberated mosaic.

 

From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:

“We had to admit that we had not acted sanely when we responded to our children’s needs for attention by yelling at them…” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, pp. 11–12

It is nice to know I’m not the only recovering yeller, or self-will addict or compulsive mandate maker or iron-fisted tyrant of the house.  Still, it’s not what I want to be, and if an eating disorder was the only thing that got my attention to get me into recovery then how grateful I am for my eating disorder!  Nobody was ever going to get me into a twelve-step program for “chronic jerks,” but put a 320-pound heart-clogging, ligament tearing, gastric disrupting fat-suit on me and, sure, I’m there.  I’ve heard it said, “I came for the vanity and stayed for the sanity.”  That’s me too!  My kids were and are awesome, and my failure to keep their home together was at the heart of most of my Step Four and Eight inventories.  Guilt and shame turned the frustrated perfectionist I was into a hateful fault-finder, an unpredictable one with a loud mouth.  I am grateful to have found the Steps to recover.  I do regret the harms I did while it took so long to finally get the message.

 

From my reading through the Bible, currently in Revelation 21, NIV:

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[Isaiah 25:8] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

When all the Earth has passed away and the Lord makes everything new, His people will not have to search for Him, because His glory will be our light.  We will not feel empty without Him, will never be tempted, accused, shamed, or hurt, because He will be with us, in person, in tear-wiping reach of us.  Everything, including me and all my broken parts and pieces, will be remade, new, an imperishable body of power (1 Corinthians 15:40-44), and we will dwell with Him forever in perfect unity.  There is a “happy ever after,” a perfect world, and we were created to desire it.  We can’t get there on our own though, and we can’t have it now.  It comes to those who are delivered from the slavery of self, and who triumph over this wilderness tribulation, enduring whatever hardships precede our promised land, the New Jerusalem.

 

From AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 105:

The moment we catch even a glimpse of God’s will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs.  We know that God lovingly watches over us.  We know that when we turn to Him, all will be well with us, here and hereafter.

 

Footnotes:

*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.

† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.

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