I am a gratefully recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time. †
I messed up last night and under-ate, but it was by accident. When I went to make breakfast this morning, I found that I had left part of my supper in the microwave and had just forgotten to eat it. When I realized it, my sick brain began to cry out for restitution, but light had dawned on a new day and I refused to let that voice have a say.
From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:
I suddenly found it difficult to find anything I really controlled. After this realization, I was able to turn my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power. Now my life is much less stressful and chaotic.
What’s the matter with an out of control control-freak? Everything! Oh, yeah, and everyone around him too. I know because I was the most frustrated control-freak I can imagine. In control of nothing, but grasping and scraping at everyone and everything as if it was all supposed to move by my whim, I began to hate everything for its failure to comply. When you think it through, it’s not that strange, when you consider it overcompensation for my failure to have control in the first place. Overcorrection causes a lot of damage and my life was no exception.
From Proverbs 28, NIV:
2 When a country is rebellious, it has many rulers,
but a ruler with discernment and knowledge maintains order.
Ok, I’m not a country, but the same principle applies to this kingdom of one. When I was serving my fancies, even I couldn’t predict which way my wind would blow. At odds with even my reflection, I was torn in every direction, never satisfied and mad at the world. That is what comes of me trying to sit in the throne where God, the Omniscient One who rules with all wisdom. When I surrender this frustrated control, I am blessed with a new sense of peace and order like nothing I ever could have imagined when I was attempting to be manager of the universe.
God, I offer myself to You. Thank You for accepting the management role! I am blessed to be surrendered to You.
From my reading through the Bible, currently in 1 Thessalonians 1 and 2, NIV:
2:11 For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, 12 encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.
This fledgling church is Paul’s pride and joy (2:20), and for them we can assume he did his best. This is how he loved them: eager for them to live set apart for the One who set them apart. No one puts on new wedding clothes and jumps in the mud. We are not responsible to make the clothes or to pick them out, but only to receive them. Once we receive them, however, how should we live? Like we did before? No! Like the gift didn’t matter? Again, no! God has freed us so that we can remain free; redeemed us so that we can abide with Him; purchased us abundant life, not just for eternity, but to start living in His vitality now. “Whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it (Mark 8:35; parallel verses),” is not a contradiction though it is a mystery. The mystery’s name and fulfillment is Jesus Christ Immanuel. Once I die to self and He lives in me, I am truly alive!
William Borden said, “In every man’s heart there is a throne and a cross. If Christ is on the throne, self is on the cross; and if self, even a little bit is on the throne, then Jesus is on the cross in that man’s heart.”
I want to live with Christ on the throne of my life and not me. That is why I recall daily that…
“I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” (Galatians 2:20)
From Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 36:
The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are.
*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.
† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.