I am a gratefully recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time. †
Today, I am saying goodbye to a service position I have held for longer than term limits allow. (I took over for my predecessor mid-term and subsequently was elected for two full terms.) I can’t say that I am sorry to see this one go, although it has kept me on my toes and on my abstinence when I didn’t realize I had any other reason. The knowledge that any relapse would be shared with my entire intergroup area was enough to keep me vigilant in those low points of temptation. I have been asked what service I will do now that I am giving this position up, but I am considering taking a back seat for a while during my transition year from this career to the next and school. I just haven’t been able to give my intergroup the attention a service position deserves with my schedule. (I miss more intergroup meetings than I make.)
From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:
“…praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” — Step Eleven
I used to think this prayer was limiting, until I accepted that God’s will for me is one of abundance, of life to the fullest, overflowing, running over, pressed down and shaken together. As a perfect Heavenly Father, He wants more for me than I could ever think of deserving. “God’s will for me and the power to carry it out”? I couldn’t ask for more! …and I couldn’t ask for anything more appropriate.
From Proverbs 8, NIV:
8 All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
This proclamation of Wisdom is evidence that I am not wise. My words continue to get me into trouble. I am still in the doghouse at home because of something I said in an email. It was critical in a way I thought was appropriate given the circumstances, but apparently not. I have been in a lonely dungeon since I typed them. I wrote a response explaining them away, but I thought better of sending it, preferring instead to wait for the opportunity to address it face to face. Since I am in emotional exile, face to face has not been a luxury I have enjoyed. Unfortunately, my daughter is learning to follow my wife’s example of hating me for several days until she forgets why she is mad, then be-bopping around as though nothing was ever wrong. Her be-bop began yesterday, and she engaged me in conversation for no particular reason, and I felt somewhat warmed except I realized what she was doing about the time she asked me for a favor. All the words of Wisdom are just, none of them crooked or perverse; but most of the words in my head are hateful and disgusting right now. It is best if I just clamp my trap shut and pray for more of God’s wisdom.
From my reading through the Bible, currently in Galatians 2, NIV:
20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
If I knew no other Bible verse, I would want this one to go with me. I affirm it every morning by repetition. It is both humbling and uplifting at the same time. It holds the redeeming truth of the Gospel in an intimate and personal address, and represents the self-sacrifice that makes room for Christ’s work in me. It encapsulates in a nutshell all the truths in which I trust, though I get to carry them all in my heart.
The Greek Lexicon shows the words “loved” and “gave” as “having loved” and “having given” as though there was a past and present tense and not only a past tense to the verbs “love” and “give”. This is important to me too, because when I stand in front of the mirror where I used to hate myself the most, I find my worth and my value not in my reflection or in the flesh that is visible to me in it, but in the fact that the Creator of the universe both loved and now loves me; He gave and He gives me Life – abundant life now and eternal life with Him forever – past, present, and eternally future!
From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 13:
I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure.
*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.
† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.