I am a gratefully recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time. †
I feel delinquent. I spent all night tossing and turning because of a negative interaction I had with a family member just before I went to bed yesterday. I got up early and hurried off to school, got some devastating news about my termite-eaten floors, then spent the rest of the day working on homework. It’s almost 11pm and I am just beginning my devotional reading and writing. Alienated from #2 on my Step Eight list, forced to take up the whole remainder of my beautiful wood floor and start over, confounded by algebra, and derelict in my devotions, this is a good time to admit I am powerless over life and need a Savior! God will provide the resources and ability to handle whatever comes. I am not worried!
From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:
I feel sad when I think back to my days before OA—days filled with unstoppable eating, self-loathing, and anger.
My little family problem came not because I messed up, but because I have a history of messing up so badly that the other person automatically assumed I was angry when they read the email I sent. Apparently my history of anger echoes in the ears of those I have harmed with it. As we cleared the air tonight, I was reminded that it is completely natural to expect harm from me considering the pattern of the past. I had to ask for grace to start over, whether forgiveness for past wrongs comes or not. It hurts me to know how badly I have hurt those I love. This quote is well timed.
From Proverbs 20, NIV:
3 It is to one’s honor to avoid strife,
but every fool is quick to quarrel.
How foolish I have been! And how I hope to avoid the strife that dishonors my life and my testimony!
From my reading through the Bible, currently in 1 Corinthians 14, NIV:
12 So it is with you. Since you are eager for gifts of the Spirit, try to excel in those that build up the church.
20 Brothers and sisters, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.
Children want their things in their timing their way. “Mine!” a toddler learns to say far too quickly. The problem with most of us is that we don’t naturally grow out of that mentality completely. It takes a spiritual influence to let go of the “Gimme gimme!” attitude. For me, it took the Twelve Steps, and I am still working on sweeping away the debris of that juvenile demeanor. Paul’s instruction here was to make building up others the incentive behind even our hunger for manifestations of the Holy Spirit.
Dear God, help me be a grown-up!
From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, “Stars Don’t Fall”:
She, more than the others, showed me what ailed me basically, why I was immature and insecure. But I was not able to make use of this knowledge until after I became sober. A.A. had to stop my drinking first. Then I was able to do something about me.
*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.
† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.
‡ From “Our Invitation to You” out of Overeater’s Anonymous: “The OA recovery program is patterned after that of Alcoholics Anonymous. We use AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, changing only the words ‘alcohol’ and ‘alcoholic’ to ‘food’ and ‘compulsive overeater.’”