I am a gratefully recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time. †
From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:
The most marvelous thing is that I find I am angry less and less. I accept that everything in my life is exactly as it is supposed to be. My Higher Power knows what is right. So what is there to get angry about?
Here is a testimony I can still hope for, because while I am angry less, and my rage problem has subsided to a dull roar or an occasional palm slap on the steering wheel, I am not free from it. I am still very much a work in progress where this is concerned. My problem is that no one wants to be around an angry person, and lonliness is a hard consequence to shoulder.
I know that anger is a response to disappointment, and that disappointment is the variance between expectations and reality, but what I haven’t figured out is how to avoid reacting to my disappointment. My previous remedy was to withdrawal and reduce expectations, but that only made me lonely and cynical. The trick is to keep expecting good, but graciously accept the bad. I have to repeatedly remind myself that people are not in my way, they are just on the same earth at the same time. I also remind myself that, if I truly surrendered my way to God in preference for His, then I no longer have a way for anyone to get in. The trouble is it takes me a moment or two to remember this when disappointment comes, and those who are closest to me live within my reactionary gap so with them, I have to kill the response before it starts, while I can pretty much get away with just putting a lid on it with anyone else.
Heavenly Father, rid me of anger, so I don’t have to mask or cage it. It is no longer welcome in this vessel that is supposed to be home to You. Breathe into me cleanly and empty me of the filth that was there.
From Proverbs 30:
32 “If you play the fool and exalt yourself,
or if you plan evil,
clap your hand over your mouth!
33 For as churning cream produces butter,
and as twisting the nose produces blood,
so stirring up anger produces strife.”
Self exaltation sounds like what has consistently been wrong with me, and until now, clapping my hand over my mouth has been remedy enough. But the hand can’t clap fast enough in close circles and the anger has been sufficiently stirred to produce more strife than I can handle. This is why I am giving to God my anger, my will, and the factors and product of my emotions. On my own I am powerless to do anything with them.
From my reading through the Bible, currently in Romans 10:
9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. 11 As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.”[Isaiah 28:16] 12 For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him
I get the best things when I give whatever I am and have to Him and accept His will in return. Redemption is the first, but rebirth, renewal, reconstruction, revival are all rewards of living under the name and power of Jesus Christ. By His stripes we are healed and by His sacrifice we are saved. It’s a good thing too, because I could not have done one thing on my own to bring myself any closer to being acceptable to a holy God. It is God who accepts me, God who restores me and God that empowers me to live according to His will, one day at a time; and because I have this faith, I can count on Him to keep renewing me for eternity, not just until this flesh body returns to dust.
Dear Father, today, help me be a living testament to Your power for human life and Your grace for eternity. May You add to the number of Your faithful through the humble work You set my hands to do.
From “the Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 28:
We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, “a design for living” that really works.
*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.
† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.”