I am a gratefully recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time. †
I have a project to complete and I keep procrastinating. I have felt cold, weak and tired the last few days and, although I have gotten a lot of sleep (maybe too much) I have not been able to shake it. I have kept up with gym routines, but yesterday came straight home from one and crashed in bed for three hours. I am not certain whether the tiredness is causing the procrastination or the procrastination is causing the tiredness. I have decided to disregard the feelings and get on with what needs getting on.
Today I told my quadriplegic friend I would not be able to take him to the gym this semester due to scheduling conflicts with my one college class. I felt like I was betraying him, but we have been preparing him for this for almost three years, and I delayed enrolling a whole year until he was ready to go on his own. I have found helping him to be one of the greatest ministries of my life, but I have to move forward on my path, and let him move on with his own progress. He’s ready. I have decided to disregard my feelings on this matter too, and get on with what needs getting on! I’m seeing a pattern here. It’s permeating “all my affairs.”
From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:
“…God loves us in our totality and is willing and able to help us in everything we do… God will help us with every decision, even food choices and amounts.” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 15
I thought I had to be god of my own self-discipline in order to even let God be in charge of everything else. What I discovered is, while I was failing at self-discipline, I was also grasping onto the idea of being in charge of everything else. The miserable quote, “God helps those who helps themselves,” does not come from Scripture! I am convinced it must come from some handbook of cynicism. We compulsive overeaters (or alcoholics) are undisciplined, so we let God discipline us. It’s His ballgame, His universe. I have my responsibilities, but I am not the producer or director of this show. Yes, God will even help me choose my food. In fact, if I just consider for a moment what the manufacturer of the human body might prescribe as a plan of eating, I might find that I already have a pretty good clue. I know some of the things that would NOT be on His list, and from those I will abstain.
From Proverbs 23:
19 Listen, my son, and be wise,
and set your heart on the right path:
20 Do not join those who drink too much wine
or gorge themselves on meat,
21 for drunkards and gluttons become poor,
and drowsiness clothes them in rags.
The way of self-indulgence is not the way of Wisdom! It is clear and obvious to everyone except the self-indulgent. I find it interesting that the part of me I am to set on the right path is not the feet. Those tend to go where the heart wanders. It is the heart. I will set my heart on the right path, so that I do not feel regret or disappointment when those around me binge. I will pity them as those who remain sick, and lovingly support them even in their suffering.
From my reading through the Bible, currently in Romans 4:
20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. 22 This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” 23 The words “it was credited to him” were written not for him alone, 24 but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead.
Guess what that means! I am credited with righteousness! That word makes people (including me sometimes) uneasy because it is usually associated with “self” in front of it, or it is on the lips of religion-mockers, who use it as a term to sully the reputation of a whole organization. The fact is, “there is no one righteous; not even one,” (Psalm 14:1-3, 53:1-3, 143:2; Ecclesiastes 7:20; Romans 3:10) so for me to be given credit as being righteous through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is a really big deal! That unmerited credit is the Gospel of grace in a nutshell. When we believe and align ourselves with the winner we win. Abraham believed God could make a dried up old man a father of nations and began looking for the promise to be fulfilled and it was so. Likewise, I believed that God could love a warped man like me, and began living as though that was true, and amazing things began to happen, including this: my undeserved credit as righteous.
Thank You, Father, for Your amazing love and interest in me, a broken clay pot. Thank You for redemption, restoration, rebirth, constant renewal, and union with You; and for the promise of that union becoming face-to-face on the day You have determined. I know it is true better than I know my own birthday.
From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63:
As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.
*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.
† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.