WARNING: There is nothing inspirational in this post. It’s all journal and no devotional.  If you’re looking for an inspirational read, do yourself a favor, visit another blog or read another email and delete any notification of this post.  Trust me.  I’m doing you a favor.

So, this is supposed to be my online journal.  Right?  That was the intention: a recovery/devotional journal.  I must confess I have been hiding behind my anonymity and some warped sense of duty to be inspirational and, in so doing, have withheld and isolated myself the last twenty-four hours.

I harmed #1 on my Step Eight list yesterday; and not just any kind of harm but food criticism harm!  I shamed her the way people used to shame me when they saw the great white me indulging in binge foods normal eaters only eat on special occasions.  The worst thing is, I did it in the name of “helping” her to avoid the problem food, and really it was just because she intruded on what I felt was my territory and violated my will in the kitchen.  All she did was open a package when there was already an open package of that food item.  Big whoop!  How the heck does that affect me or my interest?  Practically insignificant!  I have gone to a nearly imperceptible amount of inconvenience to keep this particular food out of her view since it was a problem for her.  So this daily staple of mine has been put an extra step away from me for months.  Her recovery from food obsession is her business, not mine, and this forum certainly isn’t for airing out her laundry.  The point is that it threw me into an emotional funk out of which I have not emerged since.  I spent the last day hiding from the world, afraid to harm again.  I took the risk and left my room about an hour ago, but in the short time it took to prepare my meal, I managed to inflict my will on my family.  It was relatively minor, but #2 on my Step Eight list was compelled to withdrawal from the room.  Dangit!  How do two days that began with such high intentions and hopes end like this?  I am in a new kind of cocoon.  Tomorrow, I will have to be busy and engaged, with things to do like gym workout and preparation for the week’s worth of workdays.  But today, the girls are home, so the beast is in his cage, a darkened bedroom completely furnished with self-pity and self-neglect all at the same time.  I guess what we have here is proof that one can relapse emotionally without relapsing into food behaviors.  Either that or I am sicker than your average bear!

I don’t know whether I’m more afraid that the one I love will not recover, or that my own emotional recovery is so fragile.  Both play a part in what I’m going through right now.

This is one of those times when I’m wondering whether passing on this much information is helpful for anyone.  I can hear the words from our meetings: “If you need to talk more about your problems and seek solutions, we suggest you talk to your sponsor or other members after the meeting.”  But honestly, these posts are not an online OA meeting.  They are my online journal.  And to leave out a day like this would be nothing short of lying.

God’s will is not that I remain in the darkness.  Maybe I will emerge again before I have to.  Maybe it’s too late today.  One thing I haven’t done until this very moment is recognize this as a spiritual attack.  Jesus, shine Your light into my darkness and draw me back into Your secure fortress.  I am lonely and afraid, and I need Your forgiveness, Your comfort, and Your guidance.  Thank You for rescuing me!

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