I am a recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time. †
From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:
“At this point we learned we could ‘act as if.’ This didn’t mean we were to be dishonestly pious or pretend we believed in God when we didn’t. It meant we were free to set aside theological arguments and examine the idea of spiritual power in the light of our own desperate need for help with our lives.” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 14
I had to ask myself what the “as if” was that I was acting. The truth was I was acting as if I was God, and the One I professed was not watching or didn’t care. Then in moments of conviction I would feel shame, but that made me act as if I was doomed anyway, so I thought, “Why bother trying to please Him?” It was a complete misdirection of acting! I eventually fired my director, Self-Indulgence, and put God back in His seat, on His throne, and the play began to take shape. As I began to act as if God was right and I was not, as if living spiritually was key to overcoming my faulty physical and mental programming, as if turning from selfishness to selfless sacrifice for God and fellow man was my purpose, then I began to transform. When life separated from my will, I learned to accept it as an opportunity to sacrifice a little more of myself, and exercised my willingness instead of my willfulness. I cannot make myself sane or thin or healthy or righteous or stress-free any more than I can make a flower bloom, but I can take one action at a time in the direction of becoming all those things. So whether I am adding soil, sunshine or saturation, I can take the next action step toward letting God make whatever He wishes to blossom in my life full and fragrant.
From Proverbs 18:
“2 A fool finds no pleasure in understanding
but delights in airing his own opinions.”
There are a couple verses of Proverbs with this same message, and I hear them even though I do not post them often. They play in my background every time I write. I wonder to myself if I am seeking understanding or just throwing around my limited understanding. My goal here in this blog is to seek and share; not to demand, berate, or criticize. This is why my blog, my recovery journal, is filled with qualifiers like, “I feel,” “I think,” and “It seems to me.” The only authority I have is that I am a human being, walking on earth, and I believe God is directing me. If you would like to walk alongside me and share your experiences with me or would just like to have similar experiences as I have, you are welcome to walk with me, past me, in front of or behind me. As I find people going other directions, I hope to learn from them and share what I have learned if appropriate. Perhaps more will arrive where I firmly believe I am heading. God be glorified!
From my reading through the Bible, currently in Matthew 26:
This chapter is chock full of meaningful events. Christ was clear about what was about to happen to Him (v.2). He was anointed with perfumed oil by one woman who sacrificed the expensive gift (vs. 7-13). He was betrayed by one close to Him (vs. 14-16, 47-50). He shared His Last Supper, a Passover feast, the symbol in history that foreshadowed the sacrifice He Himself was about to make for all mankind (vs. 17-19, 26-30). He revealed His betrayer to at least a few near Him, and predicted the scattering of His disciples, and the denial by the one He nicknamed “The Rock” (Cephas or Peter means Rock.) (vs. 31-35). He established a meeting place for after His resurrection (v. 32). He went to a secluded garden to pray (v.36). He despaired to the point of death (v. 38). He sought comfort in the fellowship of friends who disappointed Him (vs. 40, 43-45). He made a profound distinction between the body and the spirit in preference for the latter (v. 41). He was arrested (v.50). He stayed the hands of those who would defend Him and revealed something of the spiritual armies which we humans do not see (v. 52-53). He remained silent in front of His accusers just as prophets foretold, but allowed the High Priest to pronounce the truth about Him, which He finally affirmed (vs. 63-64). He was disowned by the one He ordained as the foundation of His Church (Matthew 16:18) (vs. 69-75).
“26 While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, ‘Take and eat; this is my body.’
27 Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, ‘Drink from it, all of you. 28 This is my blood of the[b]covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.’”
Lamb of God and Lord of all creation, there is no part of me that seems worthy of Your sacrifice. I do not understand why You would consent to life on earth, let alone one marked by such meager beginnings and excruciating death, all to reestablish relationship with human beings, which seem to be such a disappointment most of the time. But I accept that You did what You did because we human beings have value to You; and I, as one of those for whom You died, accept Your value, Your gift, Your grace, and humbly beg You to make me into something that will, in the end, bring glory to Your Name. I lay what I think of myself down at Your feet, along with what I want, my cravings, my ragged self-esteem, and even my foolish pride; and I accept Your loving touch, Your providence, Your crown of salvation, and Your title of son, heir, and bride of Christ. Halleluia! God be praised!
From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, “He Who Loses His Life”:
“I wish I knew a short cut to maturity. But I wanted a cosmos, a universe all my own which I had created and where I reigned as chief top reigner and ruler over everyone else. Which is only another way of saying, I had to be right all the time, and only God can be that. Okay, I wanted to be God.”
… “I hope I have been able to impart to you, the reader, at least a bit of what I know; the joy of living, the irresistible power of divine love and its healing strength, and the fact that we, as sentient beings, have the knowledge to choose between good and evil, and, choosing good, are made happy.”
*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.
† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.