I am a recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time. †
I messed up and fell asleep while writing today, and slept through my opportunity to go to the gym. I am not going to beat myself up about it. Wednesday is coming. I’ll get back there. God must have known I needed rest more than exercise today. I accept events as God’s will, forgive myself, and move on.
From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:
“Perhaps we didn’t believe that our compulsive eating was a spiritual problem, or we felt that God was concerned only with more important matters and expected us to control such a simple thing as our eating.” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 15
To be honest, I’m not sure I believed that my eating was a spiritual problem when I began this program. I know I believed in the spiritual solution, but my Higher Power has been healing physical and emotional problems for much longer than I have known Him. Recognition of the spiritual problem came to me somewhere between Steps Five and Six, when my spirit and my bones ached because of the surgery God had done on me during Steps Four and Five. I was one of the ones who was convinced that “God helps those who help themselves,” and that, like my earthly dad, my Heavenly Father wanted to see me prove myself first. What I discovered was that God was apparently just waiting for me to stop trying by my own will and power. It took an eating problem to show me that I had not surrendered to God my whole life, and that I was living without the proof of God in it – a life of agnostic temperament – a very spiritual problem.
Merciful Lord and Savior, revive my spirit today that I may live the abundant life You intended. Restore and renew even as I repent and reject this will of flesh on the altar of Your salvation. In Christ Jesus’ name, amen!
From Proverbs 14:
“6 The mocker seeks wisdom and finds none,
but knowledge comes easily to the discerning.”
I cannot make myself wise, but I can stop practicing to be foolish, by letting go of mockery. It has outlived its useful purpose if it ever had one, and I welcome God to remove it and all my other defects as He sees fit.
From my reading through the Bible, currently in Matthew 22:
Have you ever thrown a party but been disappointed because those you invited did not come? God has been suffering that disappointment since the beginning of time. The parable of the wedding banquet (vs. 1-14) teaches at least two lessons rather than one. First it draws a picture to explain why gentiles (non-Jews) such as me are ever invited to join in any celebration of God’s. Then it reveals something of God’s expectation of holiness. Most people recoil from that word because of its kinship to righteousness, which only has a bad reputation because of people’s attempts at self-righteousness, but holiness is a product of God’s work, not ours, and it comes when grace gives birth to obedience. God invites everyone to join Him, but few come, and of those that come, many will only be there for the benefits but will refuse to make themselves willing and ready participants of the wedding supper. To show up at the banquet door in rags is an insult to the host, the bride and the groom.
God, clothe me in white garments, and prepare me for the wedding supper of the Lamb. Forgive my condition and ready me until that Day, for I have soiled my clothes in my filthy will, wish and way. I deposit my laundry at Your feet. “Cleanse me with hyssop and I will be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow.” (Psalm 51:7)
The religious experts kept trying to trip Jesus up, to find a way to accuse Him, but His wisdom and teaching repeatedly astonished everyone. The Pharisees, known for their hypocrisy, were still interrogating Jesus, when one posed a question that queued a response that answered and fulfilled all the Law while renewing it in the person and ministry of Jesus Christ.
36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[Deut. 6:5] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[Lev. 19:18] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Lord, reveal to me Your will and way that I may follow You more closely. Jesus, You are the Word of God made flesh, and I do not wish to neglect any letter of God’s Word. By Your Spirit help me to become more like You intended me to be. Continue to carve and shave off me the ill-effects of my life’s history of self-will running riot. I consent. I am still. Incise, excise, disinfect, mend and heal me of my infirmity.
From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, Appendix II “Spiritual Experience”:
“He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it ‘God-consciousness.’”
*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.
† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.