I am a recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more day at a time.

Days like today are when I prove that doing what it takes has nothing to do with what I feel like.  One bad interaction yesterday, about an hour after writing my blog journal entry, sent me into a tailspin of self-pity from which I did not escape.  By the end of the day, my family was taking cover and even hiding the animals with them.  The worst thing was, even while I was crying out for attention and help, I did it with such a condescending, self-pitiful attitude, it made others go farther away rather than come to my aid.  I guess I was like a wounded dog who, instead of begging for help, growls at all comers, except I was doing both, whining and, in disappointment, barking at those who didn’t come.

I go back to work today, so the house will be relieved of me.  Perhaps I will find opportunities to fulfill my purpose at work.  I am spending moments this morning being intentionally grateful for the fleeting moments I have with my family before the kids both sprout wings and leave again.  Grateful though I am, I still feel wounded from the family’s response to my need for love.

It’s certainly a good thing what I feel like doesn’t dictate what I eat, do or say!

From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:

“Genuine humility brings an end to the feelings of inadequacy, the self-absorption, and the status-seeking. Humility, as we encounter it in our OA Fellowship, places us exactly where we belong, on an equal footing with our fellow human beings and in harmony with God.” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 60

Oh boy, this stings!  Nothing so quickly points out my problem as a few moments in program material early in the morning.  Genuine humility is what eludes me at the moment.  I only know one way to get it back, and that’s prayer.

God, rescue me from me!  I submit to You.

From Proverbs 28:

12 When the righteous triumph, there is great elation; but when the wicked rise to power, men go into hiding.”

15 Like a roaring lion or a charging bear is a wicked man ruling over a helpless people.”

This is why I was alone last night.  There is hope in the next verse:

13 He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”

…And instruction in this one:

28 When the wicked rise to power, people go into hiding; but when the wicked perish, the righteous thrive.”

It’s time to put the wickedness in me to death.  I have a prayerful affirmation that comes from Scripture I use to do just that:

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

“…and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:39)

From my reading through the Bible, currently in Isaiah 61:

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.”

These words, spoken by the mouth and pen of Isaiah, foreshadow the ministry of Christ, who would set the prototype for all Christians to follow.  According to the next verses, He ministers favor, release, relief, gladness, provision, beauty, righteousness, and praise; and He brings us these to these things out of our grief, mourning, ashes, devastation and despair.  What an exchange!

10 I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.”

It is good for me to remember that I am a garden growing gradually toward righteousness, and not a pumpkin transformed by the wave of a magic wand into glittering perfection.  It is God who waters me with His Spirit and shines the Light of His Son on me, and I will reach and grow in the direction He leads me.  Storms and weeds may come, and I will continue to have days like this, but in the end, I will reap a harvest if I do not give up.  (Reference Galatians 6:9)

From Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 44:

“Every time a person imposes his instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows… …Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can only invite domination of revulsion in the protectors themselves – two emotions quite as unhealthy as the demands which evoked them.  When an individual’s desire for prestige becomes uncontrollable, whether in the sewing circle or at the international conference table, other people suffer and often revolt.  This collision of instincts can produce anything from a cold snub to a blazing revolution.  In these ways we are set in conflict not only with ourselves, but with other people who have instincts too.”