I think God is teaching me a lesson in humility. I was reading out of order, looking for a passage I never found this morning, when I happened upon a perfect statement that describes the humility I seek, and have somewhat found concerning my recent prayerful whining to God about my friend: “All my grandfather’s descendants deserved nothing but death from my lord the king, but you gave your servant a place among those who eat at your table. So what right do I have to make any more appeals to the king?” (2 Samuel 19:28) In my search, I also found this little tidbit that pointed me to better humility, “Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said: ‘Who am I, O Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?’” (2 Samuel 7:18) I am faced with my appropriate smallness when I consider just how high my Higher Power is.

The reason I think I am being taught humility is that I have been struggling to know what His will is, too afraid to count on it being in alignment with mine. It occurs to me that “struggling” to let go is not letting go. It’s struggling! When I relax my death-grip on the control I never had in the first place, I can find serenity. I can either struggle or relax – not both!

Interestingly enough, when I was reading today’s actual planned reading, this verse stuck out, and later in the day too, “Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.” (Proverbs 2:11) At first, I thought it was encouraging me to keep looking for the answer to what God’s will is. Then, when I was led to those two verses quoted at the top there, and I got a dose of the “who do you think you are,” I was able to see that the discretion and understanding is actually in the “wisdom to know the difference” (between the things I can change and those I cannot).

I prayed the Step Three prayer a little differently today than the recitation I normally do. It had a little more ad-lib in the details, and went something like this:

“God, I offer my broken, simple, faulty self to you to do with me whatever you wish and send me wherever you like. Rescue me from myself, and my constant compulsion to serve my selfish desires, so that I can do what YOU want instead. Take away my fears, frustrations, and failures so that I can be a better, cleaner, less obstructed reflection of your grace, so that those who look on my life may find some representation of You they would like to imitate. Keep me from clouding or blocking their view of You, and help me to always follow Your perfect direction for my life, and keep in alignment with your plan for me.”

I went to Judo tonight and have gym in the morning, so I’m not sure why I’m still up this late. I did hear from my sponsor and got the okay to take out the weight-loss brake (breakfast potato) until I hit the 175 mark. Then I will add it back. It shouldn’t be long. I have three pounds to get to that.