I feel afraid to hope, but I know that fearful is not faithful. Experience tells me that His ways are not my ways, and that what I want often does not occur. So my faith says He CAN, but my life tells me He MAY NOT. I surrender the outcome to Him, but am fearful (insecure) about what He may decide. I don’t want to hurt, but would rather hurt than watch my friend, Mark (struggling for life in Critical Care) suffer indefinitely.

My friend, Alison, brought my church the message today. God reminded me, through her, that “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” (Galatians 5:6) I heard a convicting question from Scripture that made me ashamed of my self-centered fear and doubt: “…Now that you…are known by God – how is it that you are turning back…? Do you wish…to be enslaved…all over again?” (Galatians 4:9, emphasis mine)

It occurs to me that God will heal what He wills to heal, and that His all-knowing attributes gives Him a preference for saving the souls of man over their bodies. There is a chance that those around Mark may be in a greater peril than he is, and that the saving grace of God may be better applied to the souls in the waiting room than to the secure soul writhing in pain in the hospital bed. I pray that in demonstrating His power on both sides of the wall, He may strengthen us all and glorify His name!

I felt like self-medicating today, but didn’t do it with food. It was tough, too, because well-meaning friends took me to a Mexican restaurant, where nachos were being eaten hand over fist. (They are on my abstinence list because they are a problem food for me.) Who knew you could get grilled salmon at a Mexican restaurant? The Lord does provide!

I did hurt my wife with my self-centered fear, confusion and frustration. I am not to be counted on when I am hurting, and I certainly proved it today! I isolated myself, nursing the pain, and ended up lonely and scared. It seems when I spend a day trying not to hurt anyone, I hang up my diligence when I come home, and the one I live with gets the raw deal. When it comes to being a blessing and not a curse, I have got to learn to be most diligent at home, not least.

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