I’m glad to have a fellowship of recovery which cares for me like a family, even when I cannot seem to care for myself.  I appreciate all the helpful encouragement many of you sent me after last night’s brief and pitiful email.
I did not get any sleep last night, even when that’s all my self-indulgence thought I needed in that moment.  Since then, I have been deprived of even more sleep, and I’m sure it is just further instruction from my Higher Power, who is apparently teaching me that what I need is CONNECTION.
You see, SLEEP is the realm where reality is as I make it.  It is safe from all you who would confront me with nasty rumors that I am not the center of the universe!  It is both the safety of the crib and the power to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  It is the medicine that cures, and the nurse who wraps me in total comfort as in a blanket.  It is as far back into childhood as I can go, and is likely the position in which I will retire from this world.  The bed!  It is a healing table, and yet an altar of idolatry.  If I visit it regurlarly and within limits, it refreshes my body to carry a healthy spirit and mind; but if I fast from it or feast with it, I am doomed to its haunting grasp on me.  “As a door turns on its hinges, so a sluggard turns on his bed.” (Proverbs 26:14) “A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest— and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.”  (Proverbs 24:33-34)
Sleep is a distraction from the healing God has put before me.  It is the dessert that comes after the healing meal of reflection and connection.  He commands that I not indulge in sleep while anger remains unresolved.  “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26)  Page 86 of the A.A. Big Bookreads, “When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.”
Sleep is God’s to give me… when He will – not as an indulgence in myself, but as a refueling for His purpose of ministry to my fellows.  “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat— for he grants sleep to those he loves.”  (Psalm 127:2)  My daily sleep is as much His provision for this day as any other morsel for which I trust Him.  As I wake and rise to meet each new day of this life as an opportunity to serve God and fellows, I rehearse the Great Awakening for which I hope, after which I will live supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
“For the sake of your name, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.” (Psalm 25:11)  “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23)
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