I am a recovering compulsive overeater, abstinent by the grace of God one more* day at a time. †
Yesterday was tough! I spent too much time at leisure, and not enough on helping others. Then, when my time to serve came, my plans for that service were interrupted by others trying to help, and I got my feelings in a twist. The emotional tirade that followed cannot be counted as sobriety, though my food stayed on track. It was one of those “dry-drunk” moments when everything is insane except the return to food. I excused myself from the dinner party I was hosting and became “the help,” washing dishes as the others played games. By the time bedtime came around I was fuming with disappointment, though the dinner itself came off fine. There was too much of my will, wish and way; too much bruised ego and selfish fear; not enough grace and forgiveness; no hint of selfless love. Today, I get to start over, but I am afraid. I am still (or already) grumbling about last night’s events and with last night’s attitudes. I am afraid that whatever started my tailspin is still grabbing at my rudder.
God, save me from myself! I need Your rescue. I need Your grace. I can’t shake these negative feelings, but You can rescue me from them. Please take them away, so I don’t spend another day useless!
From today’s entry in Voices of Recovery:
“Recovery is a journey, and the Twelve-Step program is the road we travel together in OA.” — The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous, p. 130
It helps me to know that nobody whose feet are still on this earth has made it to perfection. It helps me to know that I am not the only one who: struggles with a disease marked by symptoms of emotional and physical binges; who is applying the same Steps as many others to arrest his illness; and who is not finished yet, and likely never will be. I don’t have anything special anybody else should want, except for an out-of-this-world Higher Power. It is God who does all the work; and He is faithful to do it every time I get my selfish will out of His way.
From Proverbs 2:
“2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,”
The natural inclination of mankind is not toward wisdom and understanding. Such interests require turning and intentional application. This is why I will continue as long as I can, to still myself, read, study, meditate, pray, and write out what treasures I can find in Scripture and the literature of recovery. As I continue to accept, store, turn, apply, call, cry, look, and search (vs. 1-4), perhaps then I “will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God” (v. 5).
From my reading through the Bible, currently in Matthew 10:
Jesus selected His apostles and ordained them with authority before sending them out on their mission to preach “the kingdom of heaven is near,” to heal, to cleanse and to cast out demons (vs. 7-8). “Freely you have received, freely give,” He told them. Then He dropped the bad news on them. He said they would be hated, flogged, betrayed, and tried. He told them to be generous but not stupid (vs. 8, 16); on guard but not afraid (vs. 17, 26); to flee when persecuted but speak boldly when they arrived at their refuge (vs. 23, 27).
“22 All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.”
“28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.”
“32 Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven.33 But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.”
Jesus never predicted trouble without promising hope. He assured His apostles, and all His disciples by extension, that their lives were of value to Him, and that not one would fall, apart from the will of the Heavenly Father (vs. 29-31).
Precious Savior, help me to follow Your will for me in wisdom and strength. Make me enough like You, my Master, to follow faithfully though behind and below. Strengthen me to stand firm to the end of my pilgrimage, fearing neither man nor circumstance, but revering You, the One who will judge all mankind.
“24 A student is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master. 25 It is enough for the student to be like his teacher, and the servant like his master.”
From the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164:
“The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.”
*Abstinence began for me on May 11th, 2010.
† For the sake of accountability, the details of my eating are posted in my online food log.